Thought of a moment

When I opened my eyes, the clock was ticking 11:00 am. I looked outside the window; it was a bright sunny day outside. Yes, outside it was a bright sunny day but who could see how dark it was inside me. Despite of waking up so late, I was feeling terribly low. First of all, I couldn’t understand why but than I started remembering what happened yesterday night. Something bad happened. Something real bad that kept me awake for unknown time and I don’t know when I depth of the night swallowed me. I was trembling with unknown passions. How could that happened to me? How could I lose that thing? Yesterday I lost something which I thought I own. I lost my soul, I lost my heart.

Some time back, things were all so good. I was a laughing, every happy, take it easy type of person. I was standing in college corridors with my friends and than I saw her. She was the one nature bestowed with all the beauty, all the intelligence and all the arrogance. One of my friends passed a comment and we all started laughing. It was something very normal. We used to do that daily. We were the master of unwanted comments. All was normal but her reaction. She looked at us with her eyes and I made a mistake. I looked into those eyes. Who knew that this moment would bring me to such a milestone where I will rewrite the path of my life? But I never realized this at that moment. I was just little amazed and little sorry. I thought that we made her feel sorry. With all what we are, we don’t have the right to pass comments on someone we don’t know. And I made up my mind then. I will make this up to her: just a few counseling words. This won’t harm our ego too. One of my friends said “rubbish, forget her. The place where she belongs, she’ll treat you a like a dog”. I disagreed at that moment. I should have listened to him than. Why don’t we do something we should do, this is something I can never understand.

I very well remember the day I first talked to her. I was sitting with my buddy when I saw her going about with her friend. Suddenly the thought struck my mind that I wanted to make some good things to her. I sprang on my feet and went to her. “Excuse me” and that was all I could say. I always believed that I can say what ever I want to but at that day, I was so stuck. But than I gathered up my courage and told her that what happened that day was a joke and we never meant it. I wanted to make her sure that we never had that bad intentions. She just said one sentence “don’t worry; I know people do these things just for fun sake. Only if they can understand what other person can go through” and she left. I was left there standing as if cat took my tongue away. I felt sympathy, hatred and so many things for her at that time. Maybe she is arrogant, maybe she is too simple. What ever she is, she should have treated me with more respect. And now when I am writing this incident, I am still confused that in which else manner she could have treated me with. There was no other way she could have.

That small incident never brought us closer than a smile. We used to pass each other the occasional smiles when we see each other. I thought that I would go through whole of my college like this, never knowing what destiny held for me. It was in chemistry lab where this happened. It was our first class. Instructor called for the students to make groups. I was frowning at Omar. He was not there that day. I was looking here and there helplessly trying to find someone with whom I can spend these two long hours with. And then I saw her. She was alone too. Her friend was not with her and she was looking for someone too. One of my other fellows made a voice “make her your group mate”. And I thought that why not. Its just bloody 2 hours. Who knew at that time, that this would end up for something like a life time? I approached her and asked her if she can be my mate for this session. She acknowledged and I was feeling pretty comfortable. She was just a girl at that moment to me. Those two hours were pretty fine. We didn’t talk about anything extra. I observed that she was acting too reserve but hey, who cares. At the end of the lecture, when I started packing my bag up, a sound tied my feet to the ground. It was instructor’s voice telling us to make the today’s arrangement of lab groups permanent for the whole year. I was shocked. I looked at her and thought that how can I spend a whole year with her and I am sure that she was thinking the pretty same thing at that moment. It was all over her eyes. Her eyes are real expression. All what she says or do can be testified on her looks. Anyways, I told her to relax and make group of her choice. I told her that I would adjust with teacher. When I cam outside, Omar was standing outside with the news that he wont be joining me in that class. That was a big ouch which left me in the fix as what to do. She could have been a better option if Omar was not there. More I thought about it, more I got convinced that she should be with me. She’s studious, she’s intelligent and she’s good looking. What else can you want for your group mate considering that you don’t want any special relationship with anyone? But I remember that I gave her my words that I will let her have the partner of her choice. I was plunged into these thoughts when I saw her coming towards me. She looked at me and I felt like she has read my whole mind and I started speaking without any hesitation that she shouldn’t worry and I will talk to instructor to change our group. And I kept saying things unknown until I heard a low voice telling me that she wants to make me her group mate. And I was confused. Is my conscious so loud that I can listen to it speaking my thoughts? Than I realized that it’s not my conscious but her telling me her will. “What???” was all I could utter at that moment? And than I realized that for some unknown reasons she wants to be with me for the lab times. “Wow, that’s cool. Lets do it than”. I said that and with this sentence, I started living a new life. A life whose end was not known to me, a life whose path was undetermined but very clear at the same time. If only could I know that I was walking a path unwanted, I would have stopped right there but who has seen the destiny. I only saw her eyes than and than never got out of them.

We made a very fine group. She was working and I was enjoying her company. Unconsciously we started spending a lot of time together. It always started with studies and than some snacks and than ended with hours of discussions over matter nothing. The more I came to know her, the more I wanted to know. She looked like having many folds. Every time she unfolded her part of personality, there was something more beautiful inside. We shared so many things yet we shared nothing. We became such as close to each other as a personal diary which knows as much you write in it but it’s always safe and good to tell. All the long strolls we had, they started becoming for some unknown reason. And one day I realized that I keep waiting for her to come. I realized that I want her around. When she is not around me, I feel bad and lonely. I look for her perfume around myself. Her presence made me feels so confident, so important so balanced. She made me love life. I started planning things with her in my mind. And than we went to holidays and I realized that I miss her too and I missed her too much. Even she was amazed that why I missed her too much. And then I started to understand something. I was falling for her. I was falling hopelessly in love with her. When I realized this thing, I was so happy in the first instance. But than there were so cruel facts which came to my mind about this that I gave it a long thought.

With all the love I felt for her, I felt that I would like her to be always happy and than I asked myself a question “Am I asking too much?”, and the answer was “Yes”. I realized that she is the star which if with me would decay to nothing. There was a not so subtle difference between me and her. She was beautiful, she was intelligent and she was decent. I was average at all that. She belonged to not so my class. Will she adjust to the environment I live in? Will she become a part of my life? Well, maybe she does but will she be happy? I was very confused with all these questions. And above anything else, I was afraid that what if she denies me of her companionship. I was pretty sure at that moment that if I tell her that I have fallen for her, she would give it a laugh and would tell me to stand in the queue of many others who think the same for her. But I was afraid that what if she stops coming to me, what I would do than? Life would be so boring. For her I would be a common like many friends who are in life at one stage and are gone on the other stage without leaving a trace. But she was not like this to me. She was something I don’t want to lose. And at the same time she looks like someone whom I can’t have. With all these things to think about, I was in the fix as what to do.

And then I decided what to do. I knew what I needed to do and I did exactly that. I refrained myself from her. I tried not meeting her or seeing her. I tried everything to avoid her but only thing I couldn’t do was stop thinking about her. And I let the thoughts be there. Why disturb the thoughts when nobody can see them and that was one big mistake I did. I did try to forget her, I did try to refrain myself to meet her, I did try not to think about her but one thing I couldn’t do was stop loving her.

And today when I know that she’ll be gone for ever after few hours, I feel like broken. Yesterday night, it occurred to me that I gave her my soul along with the heart and I never thought of taking it back. Her flight is after few hours and I am still thinking that if I should tell her how I feel about her. Will it make the difference? Can it make the difference? I know I can live without seeing her for whole my life. I can live without hearing from her for whole of my life but one thing I cannot do is to stop loving her. She is my life. She will be gone and than there might be people in my life. But what would I do if I can’t forget her. What would I do if I keep looking for her? I don’t know if I am doing the right thing by not telling her my feelings and I don’t know if she wants anything like that or not. Maybe that’s the regret I have to live with. She loves me or not, maybe that’s the question which will remain unanswered till eternity and even after that. I always heard that girls are very natural in understanding who love them and who don’t and if its so, than why didn’t she ever showed a sign? Maybe she too wants it to be the untold truth. Maybe she also understands the limitations we both have. Maybe she too understands the consequences we might go through if we tell each other. Or maybe she doesn’t want this to happen. What ever the reason is, I know that this truth will be now hidden forever unless I feel drastically bad to tell her right at the 11^th hour. Or maybe she asks me at this moment. Heart is so full of hope and personality is so full of ego.

And at this moment, I just wish that if only I could tell her without thinking twice that I love her and only if she would tell me the truth how she feels about me, which would be ever lasting priceless moment. But these are the thoughts and life demands so much more from us. And I am now only thinking at the moment “Should I go and see her off? Can I do that? Do I want to do that?” and it is not these questions which are problem but the quest lies in the hope that what if I tell her the truth, what will happen then? It’s the thought of the moment, it’s the thought of the life and it’s the thought which is swallowing me right now.