Funny Quotes

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans ???

-- An Email from a friend Shahzad Chughtai..... :) :)

Life in an instance

Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four, or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless...

-- By Paul Bowles from the book "The Sheltering Sky"

Politicians

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river."

- Anonymous

A Hope

"We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. "

- William Ewart Gladstone

The Nature

"Nature is perfect by being imperfect"
- Anonymous

What 100% really involves and how to achieve more than 100%

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving
103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'


Reference : <http://halturnershow.blogspot.com/2009/01/what-100-really-involves-and-how-to.html>

Did you really choose to read this article ?

An interesting philosophic question to ponder..... :)


Suppose that Fred existed shortly after the Big Bang. He had unlimited intelligence and memory, and knew all the scientific laws governing the universe and all the properties of every particle that then existed. Thus equipped, billions of years ago, he could have worked out that, eventually, planet Earth would come to exist, that you would too, and that right now you would be reading this article.

After all, even back then he could have worked out all the facts about the location and state of every particle that now exists.

And once those facts are fixed, so is the fact that you are now reading this article. No one's denying you chose to read this. But your choice had causes (certain events in your brain, for example), which in turn had causes, and so on right back to the Big Bang. So your reading this was predictable by Fred long before you existed. Once you came along, it was already far too late for you to do anything about it.

Now, of course, Fred didn't really exist, so he didn't really predict your every move. But the point is: he could have. You might object that modern physics tells us that there is a certain amount of fundamental randomness in the universe, and that this would have upset Fred's predictions. But is this reassuring? Notice that, in ordinary life, it is precisely when people act unpredictably that we sometimes question whether they have acted freely and responsibly. So freewill begins to look incompatible both with causal determination and with randomness. None of us, then, ever do anything freely and responsibly."


--Link to source site : <http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7739493.stm>

Anger vs. Love

Once a man was polishing his new car, his 4 year old son picked stone & scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father....With painful eyes he asked 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' Man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions..... . sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches, child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the later to have a beautiful & lovely life.... Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved.......

Batman - The Dark Knight

Some great dialogues from The Joker from the movie "Batman - The Dark Knight"

- If you are good at something, never do it for free.
- I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger
- See, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like dynamite and gunpowder and gasoline. Do you know what all these things have in common? They're cheap.
- Do you wanna know why i use a knife? A gun is too quick, you can't savor the emotions. Those last moments that's when you find out who people really are.
- Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos. And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey? It’s fair
- Why… so… serious?

Logic vs. Emotions

Logic can conquer all the emotions but never the heart.

Accomplishments vs Targets

You will accomplish everything on your list. Just don't add to it.
--WindowsLive Horroscope

Intellectuals

Because there are three classes of intellects: one which comprehends by itself; another which appreciates what others comprehend; and a third which neither comprehends by itself nor by the showing of others; the first is the most excellent, the second is good, the third is useless.

-- Excerpt from "The Prince" By Nicolo Machivelli

Poverty in a nation

Poverty is a choice not necessarily a destiny for a nation
--Anonymous

Religion - A need

Religion originates in the child's and young mankind's fear and need for help and otherwise is not the case.
--Anonymous

Stress

Stress is to refuse to accept a circumstance in your life to which you have no control. Stress is measured by the amount of energy that you invest resisting those circumstances. Stress is to waste energy attempting with your thoughts and feelings to change a person, an event or a circumstance around you.

The trick to avoid stress is to realize that no amount of effort can ever change the circumstances while they are happening to you, no matter how bad. Do no oppose the moment, instead accept and feel what is occurring.

--Thanks to Arsalan bhai for his above comments

Absense of alternatives

The absence of alternatives clears the mid marvelously.
--Henry Kissinger

And the Journey Begins

And thee was walking down a lonesome long road; feet tired, shoulders down and path way long. The times was as such when one thinks if he can make it up to the end the way he wanted or if one can ever make it there. Suddenly there was a bilateral in front of him and he looked, paused and thought which way to go. The heart pointed a path and smiled and thee followed. Not sure he was if the decision was right. "What if I go back and take the other path??", asked himself the guy and the heart said "Believe in me and continue for you will have your fair reward in due time". And suddenly there was this bright light in front of him through which he couldn't see. He was stunned. The light was testing yet soothing and thee was astonished as of the source of such a light.

and than came down someone from that light; someone whose beauty was unmatched and how had this soothing aura around her. She was like someone divine and his heart skipped a beat. "And you have your due reward now" said the heart. Thee was looking there in confusion. "What if doesn't work? What if I fail?" asked the mind. "How can you know unless you try?", replied the heart. Thee was standing there listening to all this dialog not sure what to do. And than the sound came from the divine light "Don't worry and don't question yourself. I am afraid too. Remember, I am not here to take your fears away but here so that we can fight them together. Lets move on this journey and see the wonders of the path we chose and all that come around us. Let us be each other shoulders and I promise I won't let you down".

and now thee walked with her, arms in arms to the destiny unknown on the mysterious path but with spirits high and hearts filled with joy, love and hope. No one knows if and when they will make it to destination but their determination and conviction. Than the heart and mind said in unison

"And the Journey Begins ........."


--- Written for Mahwish on our engagement. "You're precious to me dear :) "

What is old age !!!!!! A View

" You don't come to see me, Socrates, as often as you ought: If I were still able to go and see you I would not ask you to come to me. But at my age I can hardly get to the city, and therefore you should come oftener to the Piraeus. For let me tell you, that the more the pleasures of the body fade away, the greater to me is the pleasure and charm of conversation. Do not then deny my request, but make our house your resort and keep company with these young men; we are old friends, and you will be quite at home with us.

I replied: There is nothing which for my part I like better, Cephalus, than conversing with aged men; for I regard them as travellers who have gone a journey which I too may have to go, and of whom I ought to enquire, whether the way is smooth and easy, or rugged and difficult. And this is a question which I should like to ask of you who have arrived at that time which the poets call the 'threshold of old age' --Is life harder towards the end, or what report do you give of it?

I will tell you, Socrates, he said, what my own feeling is. Men of my age flock together; we are birds of a feather, as the old proverb says; and at our meetings the tale of my acquaintance commonly is --I cannot eat, I cannot drink; the pleasures of youth and love are fled away: there was a good time once, but now that is gone, and life is no longer life. Some complain of the slights which are put upon them by relations, and they will tell you sadly of how many evils their old age is the cause. But to me, Socrates, these complainers seem to blame that which is not really in fault. For if old age were the cause, I too being old, and every other old man, would have felt as they do. But this is not my own experience, nor that of others whom I have known. How well I remember the aged poet Sophocles, when in answer to the question, How does love suit with age, Sophocles, --are you still the man you were? Peace, he replied; most gladly have I escaped the thing of which you speak; I feel as if I had escaped from a mad and furious master. His words have often occurred to my mind since, and they seem as good to me now as at the time when he uttered them. For certainly old age has a great sense of calm and freedom; when the passions relax their hold, then, as Sophocles says, we are freed from the grasp not of one mad master only, but of many. The truth is, Socrates, that these regrets, and also the complaints about relations, are to be attributed to the same cause, which is not old age, but men's characters and tempers; for he who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of an opposite disposition youth and age are equally a burden. "

-- Excerpt from "The Republic" By Plato - Book 1

If I didn't exist

Na kuch tha tu Khuda tha
Na kuch hota tu Khuda hota
Daboya mujh ko honay nay
Na main hota tu kya hota

--Mirza ghalib

2nd Law of Ecology

"Nothing ever goes away"
-- Commoner's Second Law of Ecology