The Motive

And than the voice come from inside; “Dear, you need to commit suicide”. I was shocked, frozen for the tiniest of moments which lingered on for eternity. How can I even suggest something like that? There must be something wrong with me. My response is; ‘Hell No!!!!! There is no way on earth I will do that”. “But you see”, the voice raise again “You have no other choice and sooner or later you must do that. And if it’s sooner or later than why not make it easy for yourself and everybody else. And see the lighter part. You are brand conscious and as the NIKE says Just DO IT”. I put this sweet pillow of mine I call baby, on my face, hug it tight and avoided to listen to all the crap from my inside. Did it help? Well, voice from inside is seldom stopped from covering the face but a loving hug is a solution to every problems, almost every problem.

You must be thinking by now what I am and what I am writing about. Well, I am what I am; a simple, normal, unnoticed, easy to forget and yet brilliant in my own way type of a guy. Doctors say that I face multiple personality disorder. I say give me a person who don’t suffer from that and I’ll believe that this is the problem. I think my problem is only that every of my personality is strong, too strong to be dominated for too long. Doctors disagree. I don’t have problem with them disagreeing but I do have problems with others agreeing with them. My parents are worried about me; my wife thinks I am gone nuts and this is not the half of problems I am facing. And man! Am I sick of this inner me. It’s always messing with my head. It is something which has the easiest of access to my thoughts than any other thing in this world. My mind is like a baby treasure vault to this thing which it uses to dump everything so useless and this everything is really screwing my personality. If I could only know what to do to stop it from messing around in me.

This problem goes much back as I remember. I remember when I was a kid and my parents brought me toys and I was thinking that why don’t many other kids have not as good as mine and why I don’t have as good as yet many others. Does looks crazy when I look back at that but there were yet crazier things to come in my life. I grew up, went to the best of schools and met some of the classy people. Why can’t be I like them? “You are a loser”, said someone inside me and I was like “Who said that, who says so and whoever says so is a loser himself”. And than I realized I had this huge capability of thinking and talking to myself. It was like putting a question in front of my self, answering it myself, negating it and than arguing on it. It was like I was in conflict with my own self. Every time I took a decision there was a part of me telling me I should have gone other wise for higher purpose, good purpose or even the personal benefits? When I tried to act all classy, there was me telling me that I am acting like a bad bitch on this earth; like a parasite on people’s right to live and when I wanted to be saint it tells me that I cannot be the heaven angel whatever I do.

I remember myself being in love or something like love. I was telling myself that I am in the love of my life and something was telling me that I am idiot of a life time who is falling in for someone just because I want to. When I tried to break away it was again from inside that I am one big hell of a heartless cold psycho. I was so confused that I ended up marrying her and am still not sure after so many years if this is really what I wanted to do. And than the first job, that was a real nut case. It was always a big question between the duty to the country, to the people and duty to my bank account. They can never go together. When I went for the people and country it told me that I am one hell of a useless person which cant be put to any benefit whatsoever. Finally I paid the duty to my bank account, had the luxurious of houses and cars, my wife was good, parents damn happy and I could only think of one word “Selfish”. Now I don’t know why this inner self of me can leave me alone with whatever I do. I am getting so sick of that lately. Sometimes I really wish I could kill it somehow, I know would kill me too but worth taking a chance; such fed up I am. But what if this inner me is with me in the eternal life too. No way at all. That’s the most horrible thing that can happen. I think this is pretty much the reason why I am telling myself to commit suicide. Inner me wants to tease me in eternity too. I know I am too smart for that. No sweets, won’t do that. Suicide is out of question. I am not giving you a chance to mess up my eternal life. I am not doing it until I know a way to deal with you.

“You see dear, you are doing no effort. You are a failure. A money making machine no good to anybody in the world. You will die. At least die with an honor, honor of knowing that you tried to finish all your confusions and you did it successfully”.

Where did I get all this crap in my mind I don’t know but am not doing it? Maybe I do it, maybe for the sake of argument that I ended misery of so many people around me. At least there will be one day in the year when everyone will remember me.

“No, it won’t happen dear. You are never that good. Nobody will remember you”.

Come on, I don’t know how anybody can be as cruel to other as I am to myself. I can be at least remembered one day in a whole year.

“Ok, don’t cry you sissy. People might remember you one day but only for few years and fewer people only. We can’t make it an eternal practice. You should know you are a loser”.

Ok, I might be a loser but I am still a person, a breathing soul and I have my rights to be remembered. Wait a minute, just a minute. If I haven’t earned the right to be remembered by my so called loved ones than what right do I have to die?

“Well, we are not reasoning here. You know you are a loser and it’s not about your right to die. You know you don’t have any right to live. Make it easy for people around you. Look how miserable they are because of you. Just make effort once in your life: effort to die. This will solve most of problems: your problems and their problems as well”.

Effort it is and effort it will be but why shouldn’t it be in order to make their lives good, make my life good and to be remembered on top of everything. You are such a fuss but you are not taking me away from life. I am living and an effort it will be to make things good.

“Come on, don’t chicken on me. You must commit suicide, you must die. You are not going to set things right at least while living. There is simply no hope”.

Hope there is and hopes it is which is going to make me live old friend. I will make things good. I will try and I am hopeful things will be my way. Chances are there that you are right but I will let you hope that till I die my natural death trying to set things right.

“But hope is going to take you no where and hope is all….”

Shut up, hope is going to take me places up and will take you places down. I feel good now. I know now, I am not a confused person, I never was. I was just a motive less person and now I have a motive and that is hope: a hope for better tomorrow and hope for times when I will earn my right to be remembered by people around me for years to come.

Wow, it feels good now. I don’t need to be afraid of myself now. I can take that baby off my face now. I am sure that I want to see the tomorrow’s light and if that inner me bugs me again, I have this hope thing to shut him up with. Motives are strong and life is so much fun. Come on baby, let us sleep now. It’s a long struggle ahead from tomorrow.